


Unimaginable

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, DFAB reader, F/M, Force Sensitivity, Force-Sensitive Reader, Loss, Miscarriage, Mostly not fluff, My First Fanfic, POV First Person, Pregnancy, Reader-Insert, Sadness, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-21 23:38:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6062400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reader is a Captain under the First Order and is secretly Force-Sensitive. Tragedy strikes while her lover is away and she aims to handle it on her own. Knowing that Snoke wouldn't pull any punches, she plans to escape from the First Order to keep from reliving these moments for the rest of her life. But will fate allow her plans to play out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unimaginable

 

I sat upright in the bed, staring out into space outside my window. By the looks of it, I’m probably on the Finalizer. Everything in the First Order looks the same so how could I know after passing out a few times from the pain. I was on a transport ship on my way back to my unit when it happened. I don’t know how I could let this happen! I did everything I was told! Followed the doctor’s orders to a tee, resting constantly, eating that stupid diet, and still… Still I lost them! I didn’t know how to tell him, though he would know as soon as he saw me that our new life was gone.

A part of me deep down was alright with this, knowing this child would not grow up in the clutches of the First Order. But Snoke would eventually use this against me. It was too fresh of a wound, too tempting not to use it to further mold me to his image. I would be forced to relive these moments for the rest of my life so long as I continued to stay here. If someone had asked me months ago if there was anything in the galaxy that would make me leave the First Order I would’ve laughed in their face. Now look at me, trying to think of anything to get me away from this place for good.

 _I’m_ **_weak._**

I would not have to see my lover for the next few weeks, fortunately. Off on some dangerous reconnaissance mission on the Outer Rim where it’s hard to contact him directly. So I could grieve, alone, and be strong again once he returns. Kylo Ren is not one to accept undue weakness and I hardly want to disappoint. I learned that the hard way with this relationship, if you could call it that. At the very least I would be able to formulate enough of a plan to get out of here without notice.

 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

 

General Hux came to visit me once the news spread, so clearly I was moved to the Finalizer. He was… polite, for once. The mask of formality felt forced but I certainly didn’t need his usual fucking attitude in these moments. He said he would have to notify those involved of the news, including Ren. I inwardly groaned at the thought of him learning what had happened through Hux but I knew it had to be done. And part of me was happy that I wouldn’t have to wait til he returned for him to learn the news. We all knew of any potential complications and that the pregnancy itself was unstable from the beginning. But the knowledge of that didn’t make losing them any easier.

I laid back with a sigh and turned my attention elsewhere. He took it as his cue to leave, thankfully. Any time spent with that weasel of a man was too much, to be honest. Well, he could be decent company at times (when he was drunk) but I was in no mood to humor him for long. The doctor came in a few minutes later to go over my condition. I waved him off too after a time, I have a feeling that they don’t like me being left alone with my thoughts for too long but I let it go.

For my own sanity,  I dimmed the lights in the room using the Force. It felt strange after not using it for so long except for hiding my signature. Let them think another doctor or attendant dimmed the lights for me. The only cameras in the medical wing are outside in the halls anyway.

My thoughts wandered back to how Ren would react of the news. Would he take it in stride? Would he be devastated? Or would he use this pain to grow stronger? Would he even be pained at the thought? He had been acting strangely ever since we learned that I was pregnant. His touch felt less primal and angry, becoming something even more terrifying in our current situation. He had been gentle and delicate; he had treated me like I was going to crumble in the wind.

Like I was _weak._

_~~Like we were in love.~~ _

I forced myself to sleep more, if only to curb my thoughts even for a moment.

 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

 

I was being kept in the hospital wing for two days to monitor my recovery. Labor had to be induced at one point so I could get rid of everything. An unpleasant experience to say the least. I pushed the pain back to the recesses of my mind, concentrating it for later so I could unleash it on the battlefield, a place I’m much more capable of handling. Give me a blaster or a Z6 baton and I could handle my own but this situation was a whole different story. Sure, I was force-sensitive but I never felt the need to train in the ways of the Force. So I used the only power that came to me with ease, stealth. I kept this all to myself, pushing my sensitivity so far down that even Snoke had little inkling that I could be trained in such a way.

I didn’t want to be that valuable to the cause. To anyone, really.

“Captain,” a different doctor pulled me out of my train of thought “Captain, Master Ren is here to visit you. Is that… alright?”

I looked at her with disbelief, how could he even get here this quickly? The mission was supposed to take weeks, months if they had to! Had they already been on their way back?

“H-he may enter,” I croaked, having not talked much at all since the screaming stopped. My own screaming, that is. The doctor quickly rushed out of the room again as the tall, dark figure of Kylo Ren appeared in the doorway. I kept my gaze out the window and my face expressionless to keep from breaking down. He smelled of dirt, burnt fabric, and blood. Normally that wouldn’t bother me, I was used to the smell even, but my nausea was through the roof. So, I quietly gripped the thin blanket covering my legs in my hands to distract myself.

He stood there for a while in the doorway, his mood was unreadable with his mask on and I wouldn’t dare reach out to him with the Force. I kept my eyes on anything but him, unsure of what to do or say as the tension built. I’m sure he’s trying to read my emotions and I do not stop him. I’m sure my despair was palpable to anyone at this point, so it seemed unnecessary. I flinched as I heard the hiss of his helmet releasing but kept looking out the window. A loud thunk as he dropped it on a processing table near the door, his cloak thrown on top of it. His heavy footsteps echoed around the room as he knelt down next to me on the side with the window. I still refused to look at him as he carefully unraveled my hands from the blanket. He was trying to be gentle with me.

I felt myself begin to shake as I gripped his hands in response. I couldn’t afford to be broken, not even in front of this man who I... cared for. I could feel his eyes on my face as I continued to look away from him. Could I even bear to look into his eyes right now? I want to be strong. I needed to be strong. Weakness is not welcome here.

“Y/N,” I flinched as he began to speak. “Y/N look at me.”

His hands snaked up and rested on the top of my forearms, gripping them lightly. I couldn’t help it as a pained expression broke through my neutral facade. I kept silent and my eyes stayed distant as they welled with tears. “Please Y/N, there was nothing we could do. It’s not your fau--,” I felt him shift to stand up. “Please don’t. I- I can’t look at you, please,” I pleaded with him, holding back a sob.

 

_I’m too afraid of falling apart._

 

This is why I joined their ranks in the first place. I wanted to be strong, to be whole and unwavering. But this… this was something no one could have ever prepared me for. In fact, getting pregnant in the first place seemed like a tragic miracle of its own. All high-ranking personnel were either sterilized outright or were given long-term birth control. In my case, an IUD that had obviously failed at some point during my stints with Ren.

Before I could react, a gloved hand shot up and gripped my chin. He turned my face towards his and I complied. Looking into his eyes, I let go as sobs racked through my body. How? Why did it have to be me? His eyes were so full of concern and admiration and pain… all because of me. All the things I couldn’t bear to see right now. I broke away and held my head in my hands for a moment before letting them rest on my stomach. My knuckles went white as a gripped the cloth of the medical gown, wanting nothing more than to have them back.

Kylo stood up and moved my body to the other side of the bed. I looked up with tears streaming down my face as he took off his outer layers of clothing, leaving only his undershirt and pants. He kicked off his boots as well and climbed into the hospital bed with me, careful not to snag any wires or tubes. I fell into his embrace and continued to cry into him as he held me in his arms.

 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

 

I don’t know how long we stayed like that for but when I awoke I was no longer in the hospital wing and Kylo was nowhere in sight. I could tell that I had been moved. Kylo’s quarters were instantly recognizable to me as I had been here so many times before under much better circumstances.

I sighed and swung my legs off the side of the bed. I cringed a bit at the pain in my stomach but I was used to worse so I stood anyway. It was always a bit cold in here for my liking so I went and put on one of his tunics from the closet.

I heard the hiss of the main door opening outside of the bedroom as he entered. I sat on the edge of the bed and waited. I didn’t really even know how long I was out for but I guess it didn’t matter since I was still on leave. I wrapped my arms around me and sighed. He’d come into the bedroom soon enough. I could feel him reaching out to me with the Force to see if I was awake.

There was an awkward silences as he entered the room. I let my hands drop to my sides and looked up at him with a pained smile.

“You shouldn’t be out of bed.”

“They can’t keep me bedridden forever, Ren. I’ve… done more with injuries far worse than this.”

He sighed as he closed the distance between us, kneeling down in front of me. Something that seemed I was growing more accustomed to lately. He took my hands in his and I looked away. Part of me couldn’t handle his tenderness but the other, much louder part just wanted to collapse into him. He reached up and guided my face to meet his, leaving a feather-soft kiss on my lips.

“Do you want to talk about this?”

I held back a bitter laugh, “We rarely spoke much before, Kylo. I don’t know if there’s much of a reason to start now.”

He huffed, letting go of my face and laid his head down on my lap, cheek pressed to my bare thigh.

I sighed and ran my fingers through his hair absentmindedly. “I- I should’ve done more. Been more careful, I don’t know. This shouldn’t’ve happened,” I said with an oddly neutral tone despite the situation.

“This was something that was never in our control to begin with. This is something that _happened to you_ , not something you did or didn’t do.”

I paused at the thought, gripping his hair slightly.

He stood up again slowly, careful to unravel my hands in the process. “I brought some food. You need to eat.” I felt my insides rumble and flip at the same time. I looked up at him and groaned. “They told me you haven't eaten for 3 days now. It's this or I put you back on an IV.”

_Or let me waste away like I deserve._

He winced (probably hearing my thought without meaning to) and lifted me off the bed with ease. My cheeks felt flushed. He was holding me bridal style which he had never done before, at least not when I was conscious of it. I stared up at his face for a moment, catching a shy, boyish smile.

I turned away with reddened cheeks as he looked down still smiling. He set me down at the table. I looked down at the simple meal and gave a half smile. It was clear that it was picked out to be as bland as possible because of my nausea. “Thanks,” I whispered as I began to eat. Ren just smiled and nodded in my direction as he sat down. We ate together in a comfortable silence as he looked through his datapad.

 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

 

I was curled into a ball in Kylo’s bed as he left for a meeting with Snoke. I put my hand to my stomach and sighed at the dull ache from within. I knew this wouldn't be something I got over quickly, at least mentally, but I hoped that the physical pain would subside sooner rather than later. I was strong enough, I could probably go back into the field if it was necessary but alas I had no purpose for the time being. 

I used my time alone to formulate a plan of escape. It wouldn't be hard for me to commandeer a ship but those had trackers on them. Maybe I could get a few troopers to drop me off somewhere and erase their memories? That… Wasn't really a power I had used before but maybe I could manage. If not, killing a trooper or two wasn't out of the question.

Getting to a trade planet was easy. Getting off of it unnoticed was a different story. I could probably spend a few days there just gathering supplies before anyone here took proper notice of me. I sighed heavily and slumped down onto the couch. Anyone except for the way-too-attentive-lately Kylo Ren… But if I was quick enough I could manage it.

I would drain all the credits in my accounts and move them. Buy necessities. I could either steal or hitch a ride on some ship to the Outer Rim. Even somewhere in Resistance space I wouldn't care, so long as I was out of Snoke’s reach.

I would only miss Ren, I had to admit. The only blip of good in this forsaken place. But it was no longer serving its purpose of giving me strength. I felt weak here. I felt small and overwhelmed. I'm sure Kylo would get over the loss soon enough. I'm sure of it.

We had a fling. A passionate, heart wrenching but exciting fling that needed to end before either of us was in too deep. Well, before he got in too deep. I was already a different story. 

I picked up the datapad off the table and logged in. I wasn't scheduled for any meetings or missions for the next few days, probably doctor's orders. I could probably make the excuse that I just wanted to get away and they would let me into a ship. I checked the flight schedule, then Ren’s just to be sure. He was due to leave again tomorrow morning. The mission he was on before was not yet over.

In two days, then. In two days I'll board whatever ship I can get on and get out of here. I logged out and locked the datapad for good measure, even if it wasn't mine. I wandered back to the bedroom and sighed. I lifted the covers and laid down as there was little else for me to do than sleep.

 

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

 

It was early the next morning when I woke up again. I felt warm, too warm to be just the blankets. I turned slightly and arms tightened around my waist to keep me still. Kylo’s face was pressed to my chest, arms wrapped around my waist clearly still asleep. We rarely slept together in the same bed until lately so this was new for me. Though I kind of enjoyed it.

I rested my hands in his raven hair, twirling the locks around my finger. I wondered what it would look like in a ponytail and giggled at the thought. His ears were pretty goofy-looking for someone normally so menacing. He’d probably look a lot younger. I carefully pulled up his hair in one of my hands to fake a ponytail, just to see what it would look like. I stifled a giggle at the sight and let go, fluffing his hair back out with my fingers. It was something I wouldn't be able to do soon enough so I wanted to savor the moment a bit. No doubt he was already awake anyway.

I patted his cheek lightly to wake him. “Kylo… Kylo I know you have a mission to get back to. Your flight is scheduled at 0600 hours and it's got to be close to then,” He groaned into my chest and sighed, kissing just between my breasts. My heart jumped and I laughed to cover it up. “Aw, the big bad Kylo Ren... Has to ship off so soon after getting back,” I teased in a patronizing tone. He only held me tighter and pretended to sleep.

I waited a few more minutes before trying again. My fingers carded through his hair a bit before I tugged harshly at the root. “Time to get up, Commander.” I looked down at him and smiled. He smirked sleepily, “Under better circumstances, this would be a very dangerous situation, Y/N.” I chuckled and let go, smoothing his hair down a bit. “Well, I’ll look forward to ‘better circumstances,’ Kylo Ren.”

He sat up, picking up his datapad off of the nightstand with his back to me. “I’ll be gone for another few weeks after this. Snoke wasn't exactly pleased I came back.”

“Did I endanger the mission? I didn't mean for Hux to tell you but I didn't really have a choi--”

“No, we were effectively at a standstill so I decided to come back,” _For you. “_ On my own.”

The thought slipped into my head effortlessly but I shrugged it off, not knowing if it was really meant for me to hear.

“Oh.” I ran my fingers through my hair a bit as I sat up on the opposite side of the bed. “Well, hopefully I’ll be here when you get back,” I lied. “I’ll probably be recovered and out on some mission by the time you’re done. Unless your Knights of Ren kick into hyperdrive and get whatever it is done quickly,” I laughed.

He chuckled as I felt his weight leave the bed, digging through his closet for the proper attire. I laid back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, my legs dangling over the side of the bed. I was anxious to not stay in bed all day. I sighed and jumped to my feet suddenly, the blood rushing to my head a bit too quickly. I felt a steadying presence in front of me and leaned into it. “You don’t have to rush your recovery. You should still be resting,” he laughed. “If not for my return, you’d still be in bed in the hospital wing.”

I put my hand on his chest and smiled, “And for that, I’m grateful. I probably would’ve gone stir-crazy in there. The only person who visited me besides doctors and medical droids was _Hux._ ” He grimaced at the man’s name.

An alarm went off on his datapad, signalling that his ship was ready. He clipped his lightsaber to his belt, I didn’t realize he was holding it, and half-smiled. He was already ready, save for his helmet. He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned into me gently. I rested my hands around the back of his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. It was slow and deliberate, savoring the feel of each other before another long time apart.

We broke apart as another alarm ripped through the datapad, this one signalling 0600. I sighed, looking away slightly, and let my hands slip to rest on his chest. His hand gently cupped my chin and I looked up with flushed cheeks. “I will see you again,” he said just above a whisper. I smiled and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before pulling away.

_If only that wasn’t the truth._

I pushed him away slightly and laughed a little, “Off you go, Ren. Don’t want to keep your people waiting for too long.” I walked over to the bedroom door and held up his helmet. “Time to go do what we do best.”

He crossed the room and knelt down in front of me, letting me put the helmet on him. As I did, I kissed the top of it lightly as it hissed into place. “Stay safe, Kylo Ren. Come back in one piece.”

He rose up and nodded, knowing I never liked the sound of his voice changer. He put his gloved hand to my cheek, running his thumb over my cheekbone. _I’ll come back... for you,_ his thoughts I think. I heard a distorted sigh and he left the room, cloak rolling behind him.

I walked out into the living room as the door slid shut. I was still in his tunic with the medical gown underneath. I looked down and rested my hands on my stomach again, most of the physical ache was gone but mentally it still persisted. Tears pricked at the edges of my vision.

_I will miss you, Kylo Ren._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I'm sorry for all the angst! I got the idea after listening to It's Quiet Uptown from the Hamilton soundtrack because child death, I guess, soooo uhh blame that! Doesn't really relate to the song at all, just the angst and sadness lol.
> 
> This is my first time writing anything seriously in a long time and my first time writing a proper fanfiction. I'm an illustrator by trade so I'm used to making fanart instead but figured I'd use this as practice lol. I'd love feedback on it because I'm sure it's pretty rough but who knows! Either way, thanks for reading. ♥


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